I am panicking.

I realize that I have taken the internet in my room for granted.

These past four months, I have come back everyday to an surety of internet. I have come back to my perpetual online status on MSN, the assurance that I am always connected to the rest of the world, the assurance that I can get my emails anytime and all the time, the assurance that I will see my family online as soon as it's evening here.

I have woken up everyday to the assurance that my baby is online, doing his work, waiting for me, watching me sleep. I have woken up to the warmth of his voice, the reassuring presence of "Charles" and "Q" with the little green button by their names, telling me they are online, telling me as soon as I click the little green telephone, I will hear their voice. See their faces.

Have my daily, necessary, dose of home.

Oh. My. God. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow morning, I will no longer have this privilege. The person will come and collect the modem in the morning. And I will truly, truly feel, the meaning of alone. No longer able to click and access the world, to ease my anxieties, to have and hold, my family, and my sweetheart.

This is finally, finally, what is bothering me. I have an exam tomorrow, but I cannot study. I cannot bear the feeling. I am dreading it, as I have never dreaded anything else in my life.

Do you know the story of children and their daemons? They have an eternal bond between them, that ensures eternal companionship. They will never be alone. As soon as they are separated, they will each wander around, lost, souless, and finally, they will die away.

I am being paranoid, of course. And 'melodramatic', as some would have it. How will Don and Grace find me? What a ridiculous question, of course, my better sensibilities tell me. They will find me as they always do.

I am so afraid. I am afraid of how I will feel in that instant I hang up on Skype, knowing it is the last one I will ever be able to make from my room. Oh. Hold me, someone. I am afraid I will feel so cut off, so amputated, that I will frantically grasp onto any means and ways I can find to get back 'online' again.

How can I study for my paper in this state?

Oh, God. Come, dear Lord. Please.

I am so afraid.

Dear Grace, please come and find me soon.... I feel alone already.

I am trying to be brave, but I am so afraid.

:(

sobs.